A Good Man Is Getting Even Harder To Find
In this era of information overload and access to thousands of people , things should be easier, but they aren’t. Lots of people did meet their spouse or significant other through online dating. If it’s a tool that works for you, there’s no reason not to use it. But especially for men who aren’t in the top 10 to 20% in looks, going back to the physical world and social circles of yesteryear may be a better option. Not only does this allow men to avoid the globalization effect of online dating, it also allows them to look for opportunities to let their best male attributes shine.
It requires only external effort and some superficial beliefs. Working through your issues and resolving them requires far more blood, sweat and tears. Most people aren’t willing to dig deep and put in the effort, but it yields far greater and more permanent results. It’s why you’re terrified to go for the first kiss. It’s why you freeze up when it comes time to introduce yourself to someone you don’t know or tell someone you just met how you feel about them. It’s why you clam up every time you go to bed with someone new or you freeze and get uncomfortable when it’s time to open up and share yourself with somebody.
A small share of single adults report that they are casually dating someone. In fact, a recent large analysis of online dating behavior found women’s popularity on dating apps peaks at age 18 and goes down from there, while a man reaches peak popularity at 50. Some of this is because older men are setting their age ranges quite a bit younger. Ok Cupid’s own data shows that men of all ages are browsing profiles of 20-somethings. Most users of online dating are finding that the process of liking, matching, texting, and meeting someone is a lot of wasted effort, after sorting through the time wasters, ghosters, and fakes.
A common way we bypass dealing with the emotional stress involved in dating is by disassociating our emotions from intimacy and sex. If we shut off our need for intimacy and connection, then our sexual actions no longer rub up against our emotional maps and we can greatly diminish the neediness and anxiety we once felt while still reaping the superficial benefits. It takes time and practice, but once disassociated from our emotions, we can enjoy the sex and validation of dating without concerns for intimacy, connection, and in some cases, ethics. Every irrational fear, emotional outburst or insecurity you have in your dating life is an imprint on your emotional map from your relationships growing up. In short, our unconscious is wired to seek out romantic interests who it believes will fulfill our unfulfilled emotional needs, to fill in the gaps of the love and nurturing we missed out on as kids.
Another reason dating is hard for men is because modern men just aren’t as attractive and dateable as in the past. Women typically date men who are higher in social, educational, and financial status. They also are generally attracted to men who are assertive, muscular, dominant, and ambitious.
These statistics tell us people need to try many times to initiate a connection before they make a match, and that many connections are unlikely to become long-term (or at the very least, “steady dating”) relationships. Yet, it’s estimated that more than 50 million people use an app such as Tinder, with US millennials averaging approximately 1.5 hours a day, according to market research. Online dating also skews very strongly towards appearance as an initial screening criterion.
I do believe someone is out there who is worth all the trouble. He will make me glad that it didn’t work out with anyone else. And I won’t have to think twice before saying things that I want to say or wonder where I stand in his life. It’s not like he won’t have flaws but our relationship will flourish anyway.
Younger singles feel much more pressure from each source. For example, 53% of single 18- to 29-year-olds say there is at least some pressure from society to find a partner, compared with 42% of 30- to 49-year-olds, 32% of 50- to 64-year-olds and 21% of those ages 65 and older. In fact, a majority of singles 65 and older – the vast majority of whom are widowed or divorced, in contrast to young singles who are mostly never married – say they feel no pressure at all from each of these sources. A majority of the overall public (65%) says the increased focus on sexual harassment and assault in the last few years has made it harder for men to know how to interact with someone they’re on a date with. About a quarter (24%) say it hasn’t made much difference, and 9% say it has become easier for men to know how to behave.